Navigating Grief

Grief can be experienced by many forms of loss and life transitions. Coping with the death of a loved one in the family is one of the most common human experiences. Losing a beloved family member is never easy because it often means a shift in family dynamics that effects everyone and every family tradition. When a person loses someone to suicide, grief can be an even more challenging and complicated to process. It can lead to feelings of abandonment and frustration over unanswered questions.

Estrangement of a loved one can bring on similar feelings. While a breakup or divorce is not the same as a person’s death, it can cause both parties to grieve because it represents a complex change that can impact many parts of life. The loss of a job can be a devastating and life-changing event. Job loss grief reflects the lack of financial security and can profoundly affect personal identity. For some people, the death of a pet can be as significant as the loss of a human life. This is especially true when grieving the loss of pets who are viewed as family members. Losing one’s health through a new diagnosis or persistent chronic illness can trigger grief as it often indicates a major life change and loss of a “former self”. Essentially…any major life change that involves adjusting to a new reality can cause a person to experience the pain of grief. This can be true even when the change is viewed as generally positive such as ending an abusive relationship, recovery from addiction, or finally being able to retire from a job you have held most of your adult life.

Grief can also be engaged when someone loses a way of living or a way of looking at themselves. In the process of recovering from an addiction, grief emerges in reaction to the intense changes taking place in an individual and in a family as the addiction is addressed. Understanding and accepting this process of grieving helps recovery to be less of a mystery.

One common misconception about ending active addiction and entering recovery is that there will be immediate relief and positive benefits for all. In fact, recovery is a lengthy process which can often bring painful emotional and circumstantial realities forward in the early stages before the more comforting and feel-good benefits take place. Part of recovery is allowing long hidden secrets to be disclosed and long-buried disappointments and fears to be revealed.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss American psychiatrist, developed the Kübler-Ross model to better understand the grieving process. In her 1969 book, “On Death and Dying,” she identified the five most common emotional reactions to loss:

• denial
• anger
• bargaining
• depression
• acceptance

It is rare to move through the stages in a linear way. It is normal to experience ups and downs in mood, thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors. It can be difficult maintaining acceptance while things feel so unacceptable. Acknowledge your feelings of sadness, anger, regret, and guilt. There’s no way around it. Coping with grief is tough, but if you don’t face the painful emotions, they are bound to come out later, and they can take over your life. Although there are some commonalities, your grieving experience is yours alone, and you must work through the process in your own way.

Tips for Healthy Coping

•      Take care of yourself. Grief is exhausting, so be sure to get enough rest. Eat a healthy diet without a lot of carbs, sugar, or junk food. A lack of regular natural sleep leads to poor concentration and poor emotional regulation exacerbating symptoms. Junk foods and foods high in sugars cause us to experience more extreme fluctuations in our energy levels which add to our struggle to regulate our emotional state.

•      Reach out to friends and family, even when you don’t feel like it. Meet a friend for a movie or a cup of coffee. Seek out people who understand, as spending time with folks who don’t “get it” is likely to be counterproductive.

•      Avoid triggers that may lead to regression. Don’t spend time with people who make you uncomfortable. Avoid places and things that expose you to unhealthy coping behaviors.

•      Be aware of special dates, especially during the first couple of years. Anniversaries, birthdays and holidays are especially difficult when you have committed to a major behavior change or if you’ve lost a loved one. Don’t isolate yourself; plan to do something special with family and friends or schedule a counseling session.

•      Record your feelings in a journal. Read books that will inspire you and provide greater insight on how other people cope with grief and loss.

•      Get moving. If it’s difficult to get motivated, hit the gym or ask a friend to take a walk with you. Turn on your favorite music and dance. I’m not even kidding….dance like nobody is watching. Dancing is a great way to elevate mood and release emotion…and you don’t even need to be good at it!